


Something I Can't Have

by Echosrevenge



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Drama/Romance, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 05:56:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/794643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Echosrevenge/pseuds/Echosrevenge
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blair is unable to deal with his feelings for Jim.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something I Can't Have

Cool, I get to do author comments :) First, the boy's are not mine (good thing to... if they were you'd never see them :) I am not making any money off this. Second, thanks to Brandy for beta reading. All the error's are mine, and if it she had not been there you'd be seeing a lot more :) Third, I was inspired by all the fiction on the archive thanks to all of you! Fourth, just 'cuz fictional characters don't use protection doesn't mean YOU shouldn't. Fifth, this is my first try at published fiction of any kind. To wrap this up... m/m, NC-17, permission to archive with this header (please let me know if you do though), and the song is by Nine Inch Nails off "Pretty Little Hate Machine." -Justin 

## Something I Can't Have

by Justin

Blair woke up in the midst of sweat drenched sheets. His heart pounding. "Damn," he whispered into the silence. He didn't need to have a Sentinel's senses to know he was alone in the loft. Jim was away at a one week police seminar in California. 

He looked at the clock as he dragged himself out of bed. 3 o'clock in the morning, and he had a class to teach at 10. Maybe some tea will calm me down he thought. 

Two cups of tea later Blair admitted to himself that he was not going to fall asleep. He drew in a ragged breath. Jim had only been gone three days, and he already a nervous wreck. 'God Blair you do know how to fuck up your own life don't you,' he thought to himself. 

It was just six months ago that he had realized he was in love with his Sentinel. Six months of not knowing how to act around Jim. Six months sobbing himself to sleep at night. Six months of what he thought was the worst pain he'd ever felt. Two weeks ago he thought he'd figured out the only possible answer. 

He had made a special pasta dinner for Jim. Halfway through the meal he'd decided to go for it. Keeping his tone light he looked up at Jim. 

"Ah, Jim I've been thinking," he paused and then rushed on, "maybe it's time I found my own place to live. I know you never planned on me living here, and I have some money now." 

"Well, sure Chief. I mean if you want to." 

'I don't want to Jim,' Blair thought as he tried to tell if there was more than then just a little sadness in Jim's voice. With a smile he didn't feel he said, "I just figure it's about time I got out of your hair." 

Jim thought for a second. "If you want to Blair, but don't leave because of me. This is kind of your home too," plus he said with a smile. "I don't want to give up my homecooking." 

And so it was settled. Blair would stay until Jim got back from his trip, and then he'd look for a place of his own. I was not what Blair wanted, but it was the only answer he thought he could live with. 

'I never thought it would hurt worse to be away from him,' Blair thought with his head in his hands. 'I know I can't leave now, but how will I tell Jim I want to stay without letting him know how I feel, and, even if I do stay, do I want to spend the rest of my life facing the pain of the last six months?' 

The next few days passed in a blur. Blair knew some of his students were worried about him. He couldn't hide the deep circles around his eyes that came from his sleepless nights. Simon had been even more worried when Blair had gone into the station to sign some reports. Simon took one look at him and called Blair into his office. 

"Blair are you ok?" Simon asked. "You look like hell warmed over." 

"I just haven't been sleeping well Simon," Blair said. "Tomorrow's Saturday, and I plan to sleep all day. That and get the loft picked up before Jim gets back on Sunday. I wouldn't want him to know what a mess it's been all weekend." 

"Yea, I doubt you're up to one of Jim lectures about the virtues of a clean house," Simon said with a knowing smile. "Just make sure you get some rest. I told Jim I'd check up on you, but it's been too busy here this week to stop by. I don't want Jim to feel his Guide was neglected by me." 

'Jim's guide,' Blair thought. "I gotta go Simon," Blair said as he scrambled for the door. He knew he was going to loose it right in Simon's office if he didn't leave right away. "I'll see you on Monday," he threw over his shoulder as he left. 

After hours of wandering around the loft Blair did something he hadn't done in years. He drove to the nearest store and bought a fifth of vodka and a half gallon of orange juice. By midnight Blair could barely stumble around the lonely loft, but sleep still eluded him. He sat down on the couch and let that same song he'd been listening to all night wash over him... 

> __  
> I still recall the taste of my tears  
>  Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears  
>  My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore  
>  Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore  
>  Come on tell me, make this all go away, you make this all go away  
>  I'm down to just one thing and I'm starting to scare myself  
>  Make this all go away, you make this all go away  
>  I just want something  
>  I just want something I can never have...  
> 

Blair woke up Saturday afternoon with a start. Through the pounding of his head it took him a minute to realize he was curled up in Jim's bed with a tear stained pillow hugged to his face. 

"Oh shit," Blair exclaimed sitting up with a start. He winced as his own voice assaulted his ears. 'Oh my God, Jim will know I've been in his bed. How can I explain that?' He got up and paced back and forth with his head in his hands. The sound of that same song still on repeat pulled him downstairs. He went over and turned off the music. 'This whole place is a mess. Maybe if I clean up everything he won't wonder why I washed his sheets.' 

He threw himself into the cleaning. 'I've never cleaned like this in my life' he thought. He went through the apartment room by room. If it could be dusted, washed, straightened, or vacuumed it was. By the time 11 pm rolled around Blair realized there was nothing left to do. He had never seen the loft so clean. 

Not even bothering to try to sleep, he curled up on the couch with a book. The clock's hands seemed to crawl by as he tried to focus on his book. Finally he began to tell himself 'Jim will be home today' over and over. Thinking of his Sentinel, and with a little smile playing on his lips Blair drifted off to sleep.  
  


* * *

The breaking day found Blair still asleep on the couch. A contented sigh escaped him as he dreamed about his Sentinel. Jim had come home, and was telling Blair how mush he had missed him. The dream and the morning wore on until Blair woke up alone on the couch. The joy he had felt in the dream faded in the light of day. 'Can it ever be more than a dream?' he wondered. 'Am I more to Jim then just a kid to put up with because I'm useful?' 

With only a few hours until Jim got home he rushed to the shower to clean himself up. Standing there with the water flowing over him he smiled. Jim was always complaining he used too much hot water. At first Blair had used the shower as his one place to masturbate without Jim being able to hear him. Lately though he had lost interest in that. Blair knew why. For the first time in his life he was in love. Sex alone was not important. If all he wanted was sex he could have found plenty of one night stands with cute co-eds at the university, but he wanted someone to love him. No, he wanted Jim, his Sentinel, his friend, to love him. 

He made sure the bathroom was once again spotless before walking over to his room. 'God what are you doing,' he thought as he looked at himself in the mirror. He was wearing one of his tightest pairs of jeans with a shirt that he knew brought his eyes out. 'Slow down Blair,' he thought. 'You are not going to seduce Jim when he walks through that door. You have to worry about staying here to start with.' He didn't change his clothes though. 

In the kitchen Blair went about preparing a welcome home lunch for Jim. If Jim liked his homecooking that's what he was going to get. By the time noon rolled around a tossed salad was chilling in the fridge with some of that dressing he knew Jim loved just waiting to be poured on. The aroma of the soup bubbling on the stove filled the apartment, and the rolls were just staying warm in the oven. 'Perfect,' Blair thought. With one last look at the table to make sure everything was laid out, he went over to the couch and picked his book up. 

Blair had not been there more than ten minutes when he heard Jim's key in the lock. 'He's here' his mind yelled as he tried to slow his beating heart. 

"Hey Chief is it good to see you," Jim said with a big smile. "And from the way it smells in here I got home at just the right time." 

"Jim it's so good to have you home," Blair said with a catch in his voice. 'Jim's gonna hear that he thought.' Feeling blood rush to his face Blair looked away quickly. 'Get it together. He's been home two minutes, and you're already making a fool of yourself.' 

"Chief are you alright?" Jim said. He dropped his bags in the door and walked over to Blair. 'What's going on here' he thought. 'Sandburg's heart sounds ready burst out of his chest.' 

With a deep breath Blair turned toward Jim. "I'm fine Jim. It has just been a long week. Why don't you take your bags up, and I'll finish getting lunch ready." 

Jim paused halfway to Blair with a look of confusion on his face. "Ok, Chief," he said. He grabbed up his bags and headed up the stairs. 'What's wrong with Blair,' he wondered as he quickly unpacked. 

Downstairs, Blair laid out lunch and tried not to worry. 'You can do this' he thought to himself. Hearing Jim on the stairs, he poured two glasses of wine and sat down -- every nerve on edge. 

Jim had been so busy worrying about Blair he had not noticed the loft. "Chief, you cleaned this place up didn't you?" Jim asked with amazement tinging his voice. "I don't think I've ever seen this place so clean." As he focused on Blair he noticed something else. "Chief, you got a big date tonight?" Jim asked. "It's been a while since I've seen you so dressed up." 

"Yea well I couldn't sleep and figured I might as well stay busy," Blair mumbled looking down at his food. "Plus," he said with a strained smile, "I've been thinking that I'm not quite ready to move out yet. I figured you might let me stay if I showed you I could clean." He totally ignored Jim's comment about his clothes. He knew he'd better not talk about dates right now. 

'So that's what is,' Jim thought. "Chief," he reached over to put his hand on Blair's shoulder. "It's ok. I told you this is your home too. You can stay here as long as you want to, Chief." 

Blair forced his mind to think beyond the fact that Jim was touching him. "Thanks Jim," Blair said. "Sorry if I've been acting a little strange, but I had a rough week." Seeing Jim getting ready to ask about it he shook his head. "Please Jim, I really don't want to talk about it right now." He felt a sense of loss as Jim pulled his hand away. 

"Ok Chief," Jim took a bite of the soup, "but you don't have to spoil me to stay here ok. You are my Guide. Without you I would be in the corner of some padded room. You have done more than enough for me already." He smiled, "Although I won't complain about your homecooking whenever you feel like making a feast like this." 

The rest of the meal passed in small talk. Blair asked Jim all about his trip. He managed to deflect any questions about his week while keeping Jim talking. They were just finishing up when the phone rang. 

"Ellison here," Jim said. "Simon, I just got home." With an apologetic glance at Blair he said, "Ok, Simon, I'll be there in a few minutes." "I'm sorry Chief," Jim said getting up. "I've got to go to the station for a few hours. Did you want to tag along?" 

"That's ok, Jim," Blair said. "I've got to clean up lunch here anyway. Just don't let Simon keep you there all day. You need to get some rest after your trip." 

"Thanks, Chief. I'll pick up some food on my way back so don't worry about dinner." Jim grabbed his keys on the way out the door. As he walked out the door he heard Blair starting to clean up lunch. 

'He's too good to me' Jim thought. 'I'm glad he's not going to move out. The loft would be too lonely without him.' 

While Jim took care of work at the station, Blair finished cleaning up from lunch. When he was done he curled back up on the couch, waiting for Jim to get home. 'Are you going to spend the rest of your life sitting on this couch waiting for Jim?' Blair asked himself. 'Yes,' was the instant answer, 'if that's what it takes to spend time with him.' 

At the station Jim was starting to really worry about Blair. Simon had told him that Blair seemed to be just barely hanging on when he had come in on Friday. 

"I'm serious, Jim," Simon said. "I thought he was going to break down right here. We were talking about him cleaning up the loft, and then he all but ran out of here." 

"Simon, did he tell you what was wrong?" Jim asked. "I tried to talk to him about it a few times, but he just changed the subject. And he must have spent hours cleaning the loft. I think he even washed my sheets. I mean the whole place is spotless." 

"I don't know, Jim. Something's going on though. I almost went over to see him Saturday, but I've been pulling 12 hour days working on this damn string of robberies," Simon sighed. "It looks like we've got it almost wrapped up though. Why don't you take tomorrow of and see if you can find out what's bothering Sandburg." 

"That's ok, Simon," Jim said. "I'm sure it's no big deal. I've missed enough work as it is. I'll just talk to him when I get home today." 

"Jim, I don't want to see you back in here until Tuesday. Sandburg has been through a lot helping you, helping me, with OUR cases. Just don't let him know I'm going soft on him." Simon grinned as he delivered this last instruction to Jim. "Now go home, and take care of your partner." 

Jim was almost back to the loft before he remembered his promise to pick up dinner. 'Hell it's only four o'clock,' he thought. 'I'll just take Blair out someplace. God knows I couldn't make a meal that either of us would want to eat.' With that decided he parked his truck and walked up to the loft. Walking in he saw Blair curled up on the couch with the same book he had been reading earlier. 'I don't think he's read two pages,' Jim thought. 

"Simon sent me home early, Chief," Jim said as he sat down on the couch next to Blair trying to decide how to start. "I was thinking maybe we'd go out for dinner, my treat." 

'Act natural,' Blair thought to himself. 'In a few days this will go away. You'll be able to handle being around your Sentinel again without wanting to start crying and jumping in his arms.' "Sounds good, Big Guy. Where we going?" 

"After that lunch you made I think it's your choice," Jim hurried on. "Ah, Chief, is there something you want to talk about?" Seeing one of Blair's "just let it drop" looks forming he kept talking. "You said it had been a rough week, and Simon said you didn't look to good when you went by on Friday. Just let me know what's going on Chief." 

"Look Jim it's..." Blair's voice trailed of as he looked up into Jim's eyes. 'I have to get out of here,' he thought. The concern in those beautiful eyes wiped everything but a desire to be held from his mind. Feeling his control slipping Blair got up. "I have to go get something," his voice trailed off. "I mean I've got to pick up something from the university," Blair didn't meet Jim's eyes. "I'll be back in a little while, Jim." 

"Blair, wait I'll give you a ride." The closing door cut off the last part of Jim's sentence. 'Maybe it was a good thing Simon gave me tomorrow off. Something is really bothering Blair.' Deciding a dinner in might be better than going out he ordered some Chinese to be delivered around six. 'I wish I was better at this,' Jim thought. 'I may be Blair Blessed Protector, but I've never been good talking about problems, but I want to be there for him.' 

'If you don't get a handle on this you're going to be moving out of the loft real soon,' Blair thought as he drove around aimlessly. 'Just get through tonight. Tomorrow everything will be back to normal.' Part of him wanted to just go back and tell Jim how he felt, but he could not face the idea of moving out tonight. 'Be honest, Blair. You tell Jim, and you'll be out on your ass in a heartbeat.' Blair wondered though if it would get any better. The last six months had been a gradually building torture. 'Maybe it doesn't matter anymore. Maybe I'm going to feel like this whatever I do.' 

Jim paid for the Chinese food when it got there at six. By seven he was worried enough to call Blair's office, but there was no answer. When Blair finally walked through the door around nine Jim was on the verge of calling the police. "Blair where have you been?" Jim asked as he walked toward him. Seeing the sudden pain in Blair's eyes he added. "I was worried." 

Darting around Jim, Blair reached the safety of the doorway to his room before turning around. "Jim, please, just let me go to sleep. I had some last minute grading to do in my office. I'll be fine in the morning. I just need to catch up on some down time, ok?" Once again Blair didn't meet Jim's eyes as he talked. 

Jim almost said no, but he heard the tremor in Blair voice. 'What do I do now,' Jim wondered. 'I know he was not in his office, but should I force him to talk now?' "Ok, Chief, but if you still sound upset tomorrow we are having a talk." 'I'll let you know tomorrow that I'll be here all day,' Jim thought. 'You're not going to hide in your room until I'm gone. We will work this out tomorrow.' 

Jim left the Chinese food sitting in the fridge. He didn't feel like eating. He decided to go up to his room so Blair could sleep in silence. Thinking he could use some sleep too, Jim got into bed. 

'What could be wrong with Blair,' Jim wondered. 'It's almost like he doesn't want to be around me, but he wants to stay.' Jim sat up in bed as he came up with a possible answer. 'He doesn't want to stay,' he realized. 'He want's to move out, but something must have happened. Did he find out he can't afford to get his own place?' Even this answer bothered Jim because anyway he looked at it Blair was trying to get away from him. 'What could I have done? I thought we were close friends as well as partners.'  
  


* * *

Jim woke up with a feeling of unease. It was early enough that moonlight was still streaming through the window into his bedroom. His mind and senses reached out looking for the source of his unease. He had rolled out of bed and grabbed his pistol before realizing Blair was the source of his unease. Reaching out with his hearing he tried to determine what was wrong. He knew Blair was awake and standing at the foot of the stairs. 'Is he crying?' Jim thought as he focused on the sounds coming from Blair. He couldn't focus around his worry enough to decide for sure. In fact, the longer he stood there the less he could hear. 

Silently replacing his pistol Jim tried to decide what to do. Blair needed to talk, but Jim thought it would be better to let him come up on his own. He was afraid if he went down that Blair would just close up again. The more Jim worried about his Guide the more his senses closed down. With a start Jim realized he could not even hear Blair anymore. Jim stood still as a statue for several more minutes before deciding to go down and talk to Blair. 

Blair heard Jim start down the stairs. 'I've got to talk to him.' His resolution from earlier was forgotten. 'I didn't realize how hard this would be. One way or another this will be over tonight.' 

Blair walked back into his room. He knew Jim would see him, but he wanted to be in his own room, in his own bed when talking to Jim. 

Jim had seen him and followed. When he stood in the open doorway, he saw Blair huddled in the corner of the bed. Without saying anything he went to sit next to Blair. Seeing Blair draw away, he changed his mind and sat down on the corner of the bed away from Blair. "Chief, what's wrong?" Jim asked looking at him. "If you're hurting this bad you need to talk about it. You've been here for me now let me be here for you." 'Please don't let something I did be upsetting him like this,' Jim thought as he waited for Blair to say something. 

'This is it,' Blair thought. 'Just say it. Get it over with.' "Ok, Jim," Blair said looking Jim in the eye for the first time that night, "I want to tell you something." He put up a hand to stop Jim from saying anything. "Jim, I have to say this all at once. I need you to just hear me out. Afterwards you can throw me out." 

Jim swallowed his reassurance to Blair, and settled back to listen to whatever he had to say. 

"Jim, we've been partners for two years," Blair started. "Being your guide has filled a void in my life, and you," here Blair's tears started to fall, "you have been my best friend. You've protected me in time of danger. You've been the one person I could count on, but something has changed." Blair looked away from Jim's face. Blair took a deep breath and tried to calm his voice. "I don't know how to say this. I don't want to say this, but if I don't I'm gonna loose my last grip on sanity," With another deep breath he continued. "Jim, I don't know how this happened. I've always thought I was straight. I tried to pretend this was not happening, but it is. Jim, I'm in love with you." 

Even with his Sentinel hearing Jim had to strain to hear those last few words. 'Blair's in love with me,' Jim thought, his mind spinning. 'What do I say?' He looked over at his Guide. Blair was a tiny ball in the corner of the bed. His arms were wrapped around his chest with his head hidden against his knees. The only sounds from him were the sobs that wracked his body. 

Jim slid over to Blair, and wrapped his arms around him. "Shh, Chief, it's ok," Jim murmured to him while rocking him back and forth. "You are very important to me Chief, and you will always be a part of my life." Jim kept up a stream of calming words as Blair's sobs slowed down. 

Blair was almost as confused as Jim. He had not gotten the reaction he feared or the one he hoped for. Jim didn't seem to be ready to throw him out onto the street, but at the same time he didn't seem to share Blair's feelings. Blair had never expect Jim to just except his statement of love. "You don't hate me for this, Jim, do you?" Blair asked. 

"Chief," Jim said lifting Blair's face up to look at him, "I could never hate you. I'll be honest. I don't know what to say right now. I need some time to think though, ok? We are still friends though. Never forget that." 

"Ok, I understand. Jim, thank you, for being here for me." Blair wiggled out of Jim's embrace as he said this. "Just let me know when you want to talk." Blair stretched out like he was getting ready to go back to sleep. He wanted to give Jim a chance to escape gracefully. 'It still hurts,' Blair thought, 'but if Jim will stand with me I can work through this.' The days of emotional turmoil and the sleepless nights settled down on him. 'I don't want push him. We'll talk tomorrow,' he thought as he closed his eyes. He felt Jim in the door way as he fell into his first real night of sleep. 

Jim just stood there as he listened to Blair slip into sleep. 'My Guide is in love with me. A man is in love with me. My closest friend is in love with me.' Jim still was not sure what to think. As the minutes turned to hours he stood still as a statue as he watched over his Guide. It was not until he had decided what to do that he lay down on the floor next to Blair and slept.  
  


* * *

Blair woke late in the morning. The dull ache of his love for Jim still weighing on his heart, but it was controllable now. When he sat up he saw Jim laying on the floor. 'Jim, even if you don't love me I can handle it knowing you are still going to be at my side.' It felt so right to know that Jim cared enough to spend the night on the floor next to him. He leaned over and said,"Jim, Jim, it's almost nine o'clock. You're going to be so late for work." 

"Umm," Jim said as he opened his eyes. It was good to see Blair with a smile on his face even if it was still tinged with sadness. "Chief, Simon gave me the day off. I'm afraid you're stuck with me all day." 'God he really does love me,' Jim thought as he saw Blair's smile widen at his words. 'Even Carolyn never looked at me like that, and she was my wife.' 

Neither said much as they took turns in the shower. They were both wrapped in their own thoughts and afraid to say anything to disturb the calm they were now sharing. It was not until after a breakfast of scrambled eggs that Jim sat Blair down on the couch. 

"Ok, Chief, now it's my turn to talk," Jim said with a small grin. Seeing the sudden worry flicker across his Guides features he reached over and took Blair's hand. "Trust me a little longer ok, Chief. I thought about what you said for a long time last night. Ever since Carolyn walked out on me I've thought I would avoid getting myself into a situation like that again." Now it was Jim's turn to look away. He didn't want to hurt Blair, but he had to continue. 

"Chief, you are the most important person in my life, but it is going to take a while to decide how deep our relationship will go." Seeing the look of disappointment in Blair's face Jim wrapped his arms around him. "Chief, I'm not saying no. I'm just saying I want to take this slow. Even putting aside the fact that I have never been in a relationship with a man, I'm just not sure what's going on." 

"Jim?" Blair whispered,"just tell me what you want." He snuggled in a little closer to Jim. "When you're holding my hand it's all ok." 

Jim took Blair's face in his hands. "Blair, I want to take you out to dinner tonight. I want us to spend time as a couple. I want to really get to know you. I know it is not the answer you hoped for. I just hope it's enough." 

"Jim, just telling you what I was feeling has done wonders for me," Blair grinned shyly up, "and us remaining friends is very important to me. What ever else happens I will be grateful to have a friend who accepts me for who I am." 

The two of them sat around the loft all morning talking. At first Jim kept thinking he should be working, but he soon realized that there was a lot about Blair he didn't know. 'Have I been paying so little attention to him?' Jim wondered. Blair seemed to have learned all about Jim's past, his dreams, and his work. 'I never took the time to ask him about his life beyond our work.' 

Blair for his part was basking in all the attention he was getting from Jim. He had wondered if Jim was just humoring him, but he seemed to be interested. 'This has got to be tough,' he thought. 'I had six months to think about this, and he's only had 12 hours. God I love him,' he thought looking up into Jim's rugged face. 

For lunch they feasted on all the left-over Chinese food from the night before. This time Jim helped Blair clean up the kitchen. "So, Chief, now that we're ok again does this mean your not gonna keep the loft this spotless anymore?" 

"Ahh, Big Guy, what do you think?" Blair smiled. 'It was good to joke around again,' he thought. 'It's been six months since we just had fun together.' "I think I'll keep it a little neater for you, but don't expect it to look like it did when you walked in yesterday. That was the result of hours and hours of cleaning." He smiled. Before today he would never have admitted to Jim why he had to clean, but now it was ok. "Ya see, Jim, I kinda had to. I had a bit too much to drink Friday night, and I woke up in your bed. I knew you'd smell my scent there thanks to your Sentinel nose," Blair paused. "So I figured if I cleaned the whole loft you wouldn't wonder why I washed your sheets." 

"Don't worry about it Blair. I guess if it got you to clean up for once it's a good thing," Jim settled back down on the couch with a sigh. "Well, Chief, if I'm gonna take you out tonight and provide some of my sparkling conversation," Jim scrowled at Blair's smile when he mentioned his conversational skills. "Anyway, as I was saying, I need to get some sleep, and you look like you could stand to get a little more sleep too. We'll go out later tonight for dinner and pick up a movie to watch here." 

"Right, Jim, the joys of going out with a Sentinel. No movie theaters because they're too loud," Blair said, "but don't worry, Big Guy, I won't ever complain." 

Jim woke up to the sound of Blair in the shower. 'He better not use all the hot water again,' Jim thought as he rushed downstairs to get some coffee going. With an uncanny sense of timing Blair stepped out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel just as Jim came by. Blair turned beet red. 

"Jim, I left you some hot water. I'll get the coffee started while you take a shower." Blair walked to the kitchen still wrapped in his towel. He was determined not to let a little embarrassment get in the way of their new understanding. 

'He's kinda cute when he blushes like that,' Jim though. 'Wait a minute, did I just call Blair cute?' Jim wondered as he turned on the shower. 'I guess I did. This could be an interesting night.'  
  


* * *

"Ok, Chief," Jim said after he opened the door for him. "I want you to know that it's only you that I eat Thai food for. Next time I take you out I get to pick the restaurant." 

"Whatever you say, Big Guy. I'll even let you pick out the movie," said Blair. 'Somehow I doubt this is what Simon thought Jim would be doing with his day off.' 

Blair and Jim started watching the movie on opposite ends of the couch. Blair had held his tongue when Jim picked out "Commando." After all, he had said Jim could pick out the movie. Jim hit the pause button no more than 15 minutes into the movie to grab two beers. When he came back he sat down right next to Blair and handed him a beer. 

'Does he think I'm gonna jump him right here?' Jim wondered as he heard Blair's heart rate shoot up. "Here you go, Chief, a nice cold domestic beer to go with the movie." 'I feel like I'm back in high school,' he thought as he tried to decide how to put his arm around Blair without looking too obvious. 

'Oh my god, Jim just pretended to yawn and put his arm around me,' Blair thought. 'Not that I don't want it, but it reminds me of high school. It is nice though,' he thought as he leaned into Jim's arm. 'I just have to let him lead. He knows how I feel, but I don't want to push him.' 

By the time the credits were rolling on the movie Blair was cuddled up against Jim and wrapped in his arms. Jim had been very methodical. It was like he planned out each move ahead of time and then executed it. 'Come on Blair, he's in an unfamiliar situation, and he's using all that military training. He's just trying to be comfortable in an awkward situation.' 

'Mmm, this feels good,' was the thought running through the top of Jim's mind. He wasn't sure if he wanted this to go any further, but he knew he could hold Blair in his arms all night. When the last of the credits ended Jim switched off the VCR, but he made no move to release Blair. "Chief, is this ok?" Jim asked. "It feels right, but I don't know if this is any easier for you. Are you sure you want to wait around while I'm figuring myself out?" Jim waited a few heartbeats, "Chief, talk to me." "Jim," Blair said, his voice so low only Jim could have heard him, "I told you how I feel about you. If I spent the rest of my life on this couch in your arms I would be happy." Turning his head so he could look at Jim he continued, "I told you, Jim, this is not wild lust for your admittedly awesome body." He grinned at Jim's blush. "I want to be with you and know you care. When you hold me like this I am satisfied." 

"Chief, you are one of a kind," Jim said. 'I've never had anyone so willing to give unconditional love in return for a hope of things to come. Wherever we go from here I will never do anything to make him regret placing his faith in me.' 

Jim and Blair sat on the couch in silence until they fell asleep. Blair's head nestled against Jim's hard chest, and Jim's head resting on top of Blair's ever so soft hair. Eventually, they were laying down with Jim's arms still wrapped around Blair. They both slept like babies. 

Jim was the first to wake the next morning. "Chief," he whispered softly in Blair's ear, "Chief, we've got to get up. I have to go to work today, and you are supposed to come with me." 

They trudged through the paperwork at the station all morning. "This will teach me to go away, Chief," Jim said. "Even when I'm gone the paperwork builds." When Lunch rolled around, Jim stuck his head in Simon's office. "Simon, I'm going to drop Blair by the university and grab some chow. I'll be back in an hour or so." 

"Ok, Jim," Simon said as he worked through his own stack of paperwork, "and, Jim, I'm glad you managed to talk to Blair. He looks like a new man today." 

"Well, Chief," Jim said as they got in his truck, "it looks like we're going to have some good chili for lunch. Don't get that look on your face," Jim laughed You told me I got to pick where we ate the next time I took you out."  
  


* * *

For Blair the rest of the week was like a dream. He and Jim continued to cuddle on the couch after dinner. They even went out to dinner again. "I wonder if I should bring up sleeping together in a bed,' he wondered when he woke up on the couch with Jim Friday morning. 'I don't want to push him, and I love waking up with him.' He wiggled a little. 'It would just be nice if there was a little more room on this couch.' 

Similar thoughts moved through Jim's mind as he felt Blair move around. He knew he was ready to have Blair in bed with him. He even thought he was ready to go further, but he was not sure. 'I don't want to lead Blair on,' he thought. 'He has been very understanding and has not pushed me at all. I don't want to get his hopes up if I'm not ready to go through with it.' 

After breakfast they separated for the day. Blair had to take care of some stuff at the university, and it was time for Jim to go through his annual re-evals on the gun range. 

'What's going on here,' Blair wondered when he stepped into the candlelit loft that evening. "Oh god," he whispered as he saw Jim pouring two glasses of wine on the coffee table in front of the couch. The candlelight softened Jim's face without stealing any of its rough, erotic appeal. 

"Don't make me self-conscious, Chief," Jim said. "I've never been the romantic type before, and if you scare me this might be the last time I try it. Now come sit down and have some wine." 

Blair didn't have to be told twice. He dropped his backpack at the door and went over to the couch. He took the offered glass of wine, and sat down. "This is great Jim. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you are not romantic, although I've got to be honest I never expected it from a hard-ass like you," Blair smiled to take any sting out of his words. 

"But it's what you want, Chief," Jim said. "You have been giving and patient more than I deserve, but you gave me time to realize how I feel. You are my Guide, and because of that I've learned to trust you in a way I never even trusted members of my own squad, and there were some of those Rangers I'd been in more than one firefight with." Jim ran out of words. This was just not him. He was not a man of romance or words. He had spent hours planing this setting and what he would say. Everything was planned out down to the placement of the candles and the temperature on the thermostat. All the planning in the world wouldn't get him past this point though. He was going against his upbringing, his training, his very view of right and wrong, but if he didn't he would always regret passing on this chance of happiness for both of them. 

Jim took a deep breath. 'It is not wrong. He is my guide, and he loves me.' Jim slowly reached over and grasped Blair's face with both hands. With infinite slowness he leaned toward Blair, giving him every chance to back away. Blair just closed his eyes and tilted his head. At once Jim's lips were on Blair's. He closed his eyes and moaned as Blair's mouth opened under his. His mind spun as his senses tried to tell him everything at once. All doubts were erased at once. 

'He's going to kiss me!' was all Blair could think as he saw Jim's face moving toward his. He felt Jim's lips on his. He felt their mouths open, and their tongues meet. He felt Jim's body pressed against him, and his arms circled Jim's body. 'At last,' he thought and then Jim's lips brushed across his throat, and he lost any semblance of thought. One hand strayed to Jim's ass and pulled him closer. Feeling Jim tense slightly he moved his hand back up. Jim's only reaction was to return to devouring his lips and move Blair's hand back to where it had been. 

Jim was having trouble staying focused. Not only were his senses feeding him a plethora of responses, but he could also feel Blair's reactions to his touch. It was like feeling the same thing from two sides. It was almost too much to handle. Without breaking his lock on Blair's lips he lifted him up off the couch and walked up the stairs to his room. "Chief, I want this," he said as he laid Blair down on the bed. "Stop holding back and worrying about me." 

Blair didn't need to be told twice. He had been holding back out of concern for Jim, but it was driving him crazy. He reached up and grabbed Jim around the neck, pulling him down for another lingering kiss. This time Blair's hands were busy with the buttons on Jim's shirt as their kiss deepened, Blair slid Jim's shirt off. The feeling of Jim's smooth skin over layers of hard muscle was intensely erotic. 

Jim tried to focus on removing Blair's shirt the same way, but the buttons wouldn't work. He finally gave up and ripped Blair's shirt open, popping the buttons off the shirt all at once. 

Jim gasped as his body pressed against Blair -- skin on skin from the waist up. Each movement sent sensations beyond his imagination coursing through him. Only the sound of Blair's voice kept him from zoning out on the sensations. When Blair's hands slipped inside his pants he saw white. When his mind started to function again, the sensations, while still incredible, were no longer overwhelming. 

"Jim, I love you," Blair had been repeating over and over. He knew Jim was on the edge of zoning, and he pitched his voice so his words of love would keep Jim grounded. As he reached inside Jim's pants he felt a wave of feelings that were not his own wash over him. 

Jim's focus narrowed to Blair. He could feel the effect his touch had. As his hands roamed Blair's body possessively, his lips moved slowly down Blair's neck. He felt his lover shiver under him as his lips traced the outline of Blair's collarbones. He moved his hands down Blair's torso. Each shiver in his lover's body mirrored in his own. Slowly, softly he slid Blair's pants and boxers off. His lips brushed Blair's nipples. His lips opened to allow his tongue to circle around and over then as he moved back and forth. Blair's moans took on an edge of need. 

"Jim, please," he moaned arching his back and pushing his whole body toward Jim. 'This is more than I could hope,' he thought. 'This is life. This is love. This is MY Sentinel.' Jim's head settled hesitantly on his cock. Jim's tongue swirled around the head of his cock, before he engulfed it. The feel of Jim's slightly rough tongue running along the underside of his cock as Jim's mouth slid up and down was quickly becoming too much for Blair. A shudder of pleasure mixed with pain passed through him as Jim's lubricated finger slid inside of him. That finger was joined by another and then another. He was about to say something because he wanted them to come together, but Jim stopped just before the point of no Þreturn. He realized Jim had shed the last of his clothes at some point. Jim's mouth moved back toward his. Blair wrapped his arms around Jim's head pulling him tight. He tensed slightly when he felt Jim's cock pressing against him. 'Next time I'm gonna have to figure out he removed his clothes and lubes himself up so quickly.' 

"God, Jim, yes," he screamed as he felt Jim start to slid into him. His mind was so overloaded with pleasure that the burst of pain went all but unnoticed 

'Completion, wholeness, love,' ran through Jim's mind as he slid into Blair. One hand went down to Blair's cock and stroked him in time with his thrusts. He kept his weight on his other arm as he bent in and stole kiss after kiss from his lover's willing lips. He felt Blair's reactions and brought them closer and closer to release. With a panther like growl Jim nipped at Blair's neck. 

They came at the same moment. Their muscles spasmed at the same time. Jim shot deep inside Blair, and Blair came in Jim's hand. *I love you* The thought echoed between the two of them as they truly became one for a brief instant. 

"I love you, Jim," Blair whispered after Jim rolled off of him. A smile came to his lips when he felt Jim wiping him off with a damp, warm washcloth. 'Talk about a prepared lover,' he thought. 'I wonder how he kept that warm.' 

With both of them clean, Jim pulled Blair close. "Blair, I love you too. I love you more than I ever thought possible." He nuzzled into Blair's hair. "We have something special, Blair. For a minute there we were truly one. I could hear your thoughts." 

"I know, Jim, it was the same for me. You are my Sentinel. I am your Guide." Blair traced one finger along Jim's jaw. "I love you." 

In quiet of night they lay asleep in bed. Their hands intertwined in sleep. Contented looks on both their faces. The panther's tail twitched in satisfaction. No matter how many times these two were re-born he would never tire of seeing them come together. This time he hoped they would be able to face the challenges that were to come for both of them. With on last satisfied look the panther disappeared into the night to watch over his charges from a distance.  
  


* * *

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